Celebrating You at the End-of-Life
Happy Pride! As this month of remembrance, advocacy and community gets in full swing I think about the many LGBT2SQ+ people who have shaped my life and my death work.
Queer folx taught me how to provide deathcare. My first job out of college was at Joseph’s House, a residential hospice for homeless people dying of HIV/AIDS or other terminal illnesses, many of whom were LGBTQ+.
One of those people was a young Black trans woman. In the months before her death, she told me her final wishes in detail. She wanted to be buried in a shimmery, pink dress with her hair framing her face and glittery, long nails. White doves were to be released at the cemetery and dozens of white roses were to be placed at her grave. The most important part of all for her, though, was her headstone. She wanted her chosen name - the one she loved, the one that captured her identity - etched in stone for all to see and remember, not her dead name (no pun intended but how fitting!).
People often mistakenly think that planning ahead for your death is morbid. In reality, though, contemplating death is a chance to honor what you treasure about your life. What has been nourishing? Who has brought you joy? What has made you who you are? Your death and the rites that come after it can be a meaningful extension of all you cherish. This is especially true for those of us who have been marginalized during our lives, whether because of queer identity, race, or a million other factors.
Pink dresses and white doves might not be for you but I invite you to love yourselves with the same energy that my sweet friend did. What would it look like to have a death that unapologetically celebrated who you are?
