Ask a Deathworker: What if they don’t want to talk about death?
Scarlet in Connecticut (who is an absolute gem of a human, by the way) recently sent me this message: “I remember you asking for newsletter topic suggestions a while back. I’ve got one for you! I was wondering if you could talk about planning for end-of-life care with someone who’s in denial about their health or the care they need.”
Great question. This happens frequently and is a symptom of our death-avoidant society. When I encounter this, the first thing I do is to try and be curious about what or who the person is afraid of losing. I might say something like, “I notice that you really don’t want to talk about dying and I wonder why.” Often, a person who does not want to face their death has unresolved relationships, unfinished actions and a sense of running out of time to become who they truly want to be. What a difficult mental load to bear. They might respond defensively to the above question but if I’ve found that when I can hold gentle silence and patience, eventually answers will start coming. Take the time to really listen to their fears, values and hopes. This can make all the difference.
Building on this space of compassion and curiosity about the person’s experience, I then share that A.) I don’t want them to die and B.) end-of-life planning is a way I can help take care of them and those who will be left behind. I say something like, “I hope you get to live many more healthy, happy years. And I also know that everyone dies. We may never need to actually use these documents at your end-of-life. However, I want to know your preferences so that when the time comes, if you cannot advocate for yourself, I want people you trust to be able to do exactly what you want done and none of what you don’t want done.”
These conversations are hard and sometimes so contentious that people give up and don’t have them. Please don’t give up! Do your own end-of-life planning to model how important it is - and then talk to everyone about including the person who you are trying to help. Avoid scare tactics and shaming. Though you may feel real urgency to get all of the person’s affairs in order, fearmongering and shame will only push the person further away. Instead be consistently kind, firm and patient while the conversations can be had so that everyone has a chance for a less stressful dying experience.
And know that a friendly deathcare worker (like me!) is always available to facilitate these conversations and give end-of-life planning support. A skilled deathcare worker will have experience in interpersonal challenges and conflict skills along with the dying know-how to help you and yours navigate these tough but crucial moments.
